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ugh. This sucks.

I'm tired.

Somedays things just get way too overwhelming for my head.

I got back from visiting my good friend nick. I used to live in this piddly.... well not so piddly anymore but I used to live in this town in wisconsin. It's kind of like a home away from home. Or it used too. Now it's just a place to see nick. It's just a bad memory. Just a fucked up feeling I get whenever I drive anywhere in that place.

How do you explain how much you fucked up to you're friend without sounding like a freaking moron. I told him I was sorry for everything I did to him and david (another great friend of mine from there.) We all fuck up he said. You did put me through some stuff and I'm glad you finally said something about it now instead of not saying anything at all. Thats what he said. It was a brief moment of closure. It was good to say sorry. It was good to let it all out but it still sucked hearing that from him. So I realized that the last two years of my life have just been paper thin. Flimsy and pushed all over the place. I've been feeling like shit alot lately. And seeing that place again just never helps.

Am I over my childhood? yeah. Things get fucked up and you move on. You gotta get it out of you're head. There are things that I didn't think I could survive but I did. I guess I'm doing fine. But I feel a million miles away from everything. And the two people I can trust the most pretty much called me a shitty friend. It defintly was an eye opener.

I fucked up alot of people during my teenage years. Here and in West Bend. I wanted to cry every night I was there. I just want to be looked at this guy who grrew up. I want to be known as this kid who's doing fine. Who's moving on with things. Who realizes what he did was wrong. I just feel like I owe so many an apology... but they'll still see this bitter kid who wants nothing to do with them.

I drove by my old house. I really want to see if I can kind of take a tour of it. I don't think the owners would be freaked out. I just want to see if I still have those old feelings of when I was a kid. To remember what those stairs felt like, to remember what it was like to be in my old room hiding from everything, to see the basement were I spent most of my summers. I really want to see jessie vore again. Maybe for one last time. Just so I can say sorry. Sorry for being so out of control. When david gets back, I know for sure he's going to hear this.

I want to have a place in this world. Some days I just don't feel like I do. I feel like alot of things are out of my hands because of my actions. I just want to come back and laugh about good times. Not about everything that I've stumbled through.

Things have gotton strange. I don't know where to even start. I'm lonely as hell. and it's nothing my girlfriend or friends can fix. I'm insainly sad again and I don't know why. I just feel like I've lost alot of time and I don't know where to begin. I can only hope that someday.... you'll all forgive me of what I've done to you. Espically Nick and David.

Haven't been sleeping well latley.

My eyes burn.

I'm so fucking lost.